The day feels so dark and dreary.
My heart feels so wrecked and weary,
so, I head outdoors and breathe deeply.
Ripples of air shush down my sighs.
A palm tree soothes my swollen eyes.
It sure shadows the sunlit skies.
Gold streaks shine down the tree’s brown bark,
I can gaze for hours at these gorgeous sparks.
Oh, how they brighten up this boring tar!
This palm tree smells so sweet and swell.
Yum… Fresh coconuts and caramel.
Hmm… Some fruity scents I can’t yet tell.
One whiff of this summery perfume,
bursting with bananas and mango bloom,
whisks me to breezy beaches, far from my room.
There, I can simmer down on sandy shores,
I can sip that mocktail, one glass more,
and swim in seas, so cool and azure.
Those fronds flap so fast, oh my days,
like sprightly stars that burn and blaze.
I feel embraced by this tree's ways.
Oh eyes, please let me see a tree this large,
Please don’t let this be my mad mirage,
I hope I’m not gazing at my garage.
I'm so swayed by this scene sublime,
I pray for it to sway here all the time,
and banish my rancid garage of grime.
Please don’t desert me tree, I weep and wish.
Please make my vapid life vanish,
and whisk me to vast seas with a swish.
At once, this fickle tree disappears,
leaving me stranded and sweating here.
Oh well, at least now my mind is clear!
Hello everyone.
I hope you enjoyed my poem. This time, it is about a swaying palm tree I perceived one hot afternoon. I admired its gorgeous golden-brown bark, and flapping fronds. I basked in its sweet, ‘fruity scents’, which momentarily swept me away to ‘sandy shores’ and ‘azure seas’. I hoped this sublime tree would be true scene. Sadly, I learnt that it was my ‘mad mirage’ after all, as it disappeared, stranding me in my unpleasant ‘rancid garage of grime’.
Again, thank you Ishita for editing my poem, and making it sound more melodic, moving, and magical. As always, you are such a supportive sister, and I always enjoy sharing and editing my poems with you.
Firstly, in line 11, Ishita suggested ‘yum’, which sounds more fun, and less redundant than my original ‘hmm’. Plus, ‘yum’ carries no connotations of displeasure or doubt, unlike more dubious ‘hmm’. I had no doubt that these smells were yummy, so I chose 'yum' over 'hmm'.
Secondly, in line 25 Ishita suggested ‘I’m so swayed by this scene sublime’ which is more melodic and modern than my original, outdated line 25 ‘I’m mad about this mortal prime’. Her pun shows I am so awed, I am literally swaying along with the hypnotic palm tree. Furthermore, her line feels more hopeful and heart-warming than my ‘mortal prime’, concluding that this tree is my life’s biggest bliss, and closes one’s hope for enjoying future milestones and magical moments.
Thirdly, Ishita suggested line 33, when I was struggling to conclude the poem. She suggested that despite my sweat, tears, and loss, at least my ‘mind is clearer’, because I taken a brief repose, and admired this transient, but peaceful and pretty palm tree. Now when I reach the poem’s last line, I do not ‘weep’ because the 'tree disappears', but I smile, because I enjoyed the scene and my mind became clearer.
Thank you Ishita for making this whole poem more delightful, and less dreary. Your enthusiasm, and awesome ideas always enlighten me and brighten my days. You are such a talented writer Ishita, and I hope you get inspired to write your own poems soon. I for one would feel so excited to read them.
